The Wizarding Family Smith
by MayFairy
Summary: The Smith family would be one of the most infamous in the the wizarding world even without their bizarre family tradition of naming their firstborns John until there's no less than twelve related John Smiths running around. Even odder is the cousins' tendency to refer to each other by number, but no one who tries to ask what the numbers mean can get a straight answer. [Hogwarts AU]


**So I've come up with a huge Whoniverse Hogwarts AUverse, oops!**

 **But the thing with the various Doctors is just odd/complicated enough that it needs its own oneshot just to explain it properly and then I don't need to detract from the other fics to do so.**

 **So it's a bit infodump-y, but hopefully still amusing and enjoyable.**

* * *

In the Wizarding World, the mention of the name John Smith is usually followed by 'which one?'. Which wouldn't be so strange in itself if the answer weren't always a number.

Whoever in the Smith family came up with the idea of calling all of the firstborns 'John' until there were no less than twelve cousins called John Smith running around, had to have been completely mad or specifically trying to make life difficult for the rest of the world. Like being instrumental in the creation of said cousins wasn't enough of a contribution.

"But what do the numbers mean?"

This question is asked by a minimum of four newcomers to the Ministry, three foreigners, and twenty odd Hogwarts students every year.

The problem? There isn't an answer. At least, not a real one. Anyone with sense gave up trying to find one a long time ago.

If you ask one of the Smiths, the most common answer you'll get is 'birth order', and depending on which ones you've met, you might believe it for a few days or until you run into another one and realise that it can't possibly be birth order because Twelve and One are almost the same age and Eleven is the youngest.

The other answers aren't any better.

"Ranked by Patronus strength, old chap," Three cheerfully told a visiting Russian researcher once.

Four and Eleven are notorious for continuing to insist that 'we had a race once', though just why Eleven is so attached to his pretend title of second slowest in the family, nobody has any idea. The standing theory is that they enjoy it simply because Twelve gets annoyed at being insinuated the absolute slowest, and they think it's hilarious.

The most credible theory so far is that it's the ranking from shortest to longest hatstall, since they're notorious for them. No one outside of the family has enough evidence to say whether or not it's true, though.

* * *

No less than six of the Smith cousins work at Hogwarts - which is handy, since if they didn't fill half of the positions anyway it would be much harder to find takers due to most sane people wanting to avoid that concentration level of Smiths in any one place for an extended period of time.

There were actually seven until more recently, but an incident with a few too many memory charms has Eight in St Mungos for the foreseeable future and Five taking over his astronomy classes in addition to managing all the Quidditch. ("I could have played professionally," he says at every family reunion. They all just nod and change the subject.)

The crotchety oldest cousin, One, won't tell anyone what he does. "None of your business, is it, hmm?" He says to anyone who asks, which incidentally is the same answer he gives whenever anyone inquires about the the numbering system.

Two is off in Romania studying dragons and happy as can be. He's got some new Scottish assistant that he's very excited about but it's impossible to tell from his letters if they're dating or if Two's adopted him.

Three is a semi-retired Auror who works in Magical Research at the Ministry, and has a notorious rivalry with another researcher called Emil Keller. They are so prone to verbally sparring and getting up in each other's faces that there's a frankly enormous betting pool around the Ministry as to whether the whole affair will end up with one of them dead or with a wedding date.

"Whatever goes on between them is _their_ business," Elizabeth Shaw has told many a gossip column, crossly, "He can sleep with whoever he likes."

One column, unsurprisingly penned by Rita Skeeter, once claimed that her bad attitude stems from jealousy. Most people don't think it's a coincidence that Skeeter's hair was turned to a green goopy mess a few days later after receiving a bottle of shampoo as an anonymous gift.

Four is simultaneously the pride of the Auror Department and the reason for most of its incident-related paperwork. He was a while back assigned a promising junior member of the Magical Law Enforcement department, as an assistant for a special case involving a missing prototype Time Turner. Mostly so that she could keep him in line, but no one foresaw that he might teach her to step _out_ of line.

After the months of travelling it took to find the Time Turner, Romana Lundar has since refused to leave his side - much to the annoyance of the higher ups and most of her family.

"The problem with those Smiths," the Minister for Magic, Borusa, is known to have said, "Is that they will take absolutely no direction and to make matters worse inspire others to follow them in their mad capers. And I would know, because I taught them all. I lived and fought through both Wizarding Wars and I'm positive that it was the Smiths that made me lose my hair."

Teaching Care of Magical Creatures is where Six is happiest, though Eleven insists that if teaching Charms weren't what he was born to do he could have done a stellar job teaching people about nifflers. (They spend many an afternoon pouring over Newt Scamander's texts together and debating hippogriff grooming and riding techniques.)

Seven is, well. He works in the Department of Mysteries and so that's about all that can be said about that. The important thing is that he never misses a family reunion or an opportunity to play the spoons for them.

Eight is happy with his unofficial job at St Mungos cheering all the patients up. Whether or not he's officially a patient himself is up for debate, but Healer Holloway assures the family and anyone else who asks that everything is in order.

"He's found a delightful new friend in a Miss Charlotte Pollard," Six tells the others at the school after returning from a visit, "Whose mother insisted on sending her to Beauxbatons even though the girl's as English as the majority of us. Wonderful girl, her less than kind comments about my attire not being held against her."

The grounds at Hogwarts are kept in order by Nine, who is as quick to have friendly conversations with passing students as he is to gruffly tell them to let him get back to reasoning with the Whomping Willow. He's often spied by older students in the Three Broomsticks, smiling and blushing from the attentions of one Rose Tyler, who runs the place.

Funnily enough, the same can be said for Ten. This was the cause of many discussions and arguments amongst students regarding 'which one' or fidelity until Eleven stumbled into one of them and set the record straight.

"Both of them," he had told them, shrugging, "She didn't want to choose and they decided that they didn't need her to. They get one day of the weekend each and the weekdays are fair game but they've all usually got a lot to be getting on with anyway. But yeah, it's the 21st century, broaden your minds a bit, come on."

"Our minds _are_ broad," replied the haughty Ravenclaw, "That makes perfect sense, we just hadn't thought of it yet."

"Good. Now, that's more than enough talk about your teachers' personal lives, get moving."

It's all very well for Eleven to say when he's half of one of the two married couples on staff. He and the Ancient Runes teacher are notorious for their blatant flirting in front of students and more than one has claimed to have walked in on the two of them in an amorous embrace in one of their offices that they forgot to lock.

On the bright side, everyone seems to know it's River's fault.

Twelve meanwhile half the time finds numbers more interesting than people, but students are quick to find that their Arithmancy teacher is a lot less gruff than he appears and is in fact as much of an excited nerd as the rest of his family - just with a better music collection. Plus, he's not entirely antisocial. He's got a weird and dangerous rivalry/friendship with Missy Saxon, the Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher. The Adeola twins have been taking bets for over six months as to whether they're having sex or not.

"Should we tell him about that? The betting pool, I mean," Eleven asks Five one Wednesday night in the staff room. "Also, what _is_ it with members of our family getting into antagonistic relationships that make other people bet on them?"

"I don't see what telling him would achieve," Five replies, "Other than possibly making him a spectacular shade of red, which admittedly would be quite a sight. And the less said about Three and that Spaniard fellow the better, if you ask me."

"Don't go making trouble," Six tells them, from where he's fixing himself a hot chocolate, and they have to share little grins at what they call his 'mother hen' voice. As the two youngest cousins in the family, they're used to hearing it.

"Who, us?" Eleven asks, grinning.

"Wouldn't dream of it," Five says.

Six looks unimpressed. "I wasn't really talking to _you._ " He then gives Eleven a pointed look, and the man in the bowtie looks at him indignantly.

"Since when do I make trouble?!"

"Since the day you first learned how to walk, I expect," Professor River Song says as she comes through the door. Eleven's pout immediately disappears in favour of a large grin.

"Well, yeah," he says, "But that's why you like me."

"Against my better judgement, yes."

"If you're going to flirt, take it outside," Nine says from a corner, turning the page of his book, "There's enough chatter in here without you two _flirting_."

"Perhaps some of us enjoy Professor Song's company," Five retorts. "Besides, you're just as bad when in Miss Tyler's company."

Nine makes a 'hmph' noise.

"Another time, Five darling," River says to him, smiling, "We'll let him have his peace and quiet. Come along, sweetie."

She tugs her husband from the room, and he gives them all a sheepish grin as he happily goes. Five and Six shake their heads while Nine is already back to being immersed in his book.

"Fancy a game of chess, old boy?" Six asks Five.

"I don't know, your set's a little hostile for my liking."

"Ah, don't worry, I had some stern words with it after last time."

"Alright then, you're on."

One can say what one likes about the Smith family, and people generally do, but it can never be said that despite the insurmountable levels of bickering, they don't make a force to be reckoned with.

All the same, the haste with which any Smiths _not_ in their family hurry to say 'no relation' is a rather telling thing.

* * *

 **Phew, now that's out of the way and I can get to the good stuff. Hope you guys liked it anyway! Let me know what you thought! (Building this verse definitely hasn't been a distraction from worrying about the Class finale tonight nope.)**

 **-MayFairy :)**


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